It's me..

We are in our new house and I feel like A NEW WOMAN! WE ALL LOVE IT. There’s no “adjusting” we are all so in love with the place. So much bigger and enough room but that doesn’t mean ol’ payton isn’t being a toddler!! When I get aggravated writing just calms me down…So here you go, Son<3 span="">

Dear Son,

Today, you woke me up in a bed soaked worse than a swimming pool. On the fresh new sheets I put on the night before because earlier that day you peed in the bed during your nap. I’m trying this new thing like telling myself on my weakest mommy minutes that “It’ll be okay” “It can be fixed” but sometimes I can’t always be the perfect parent. I get mad, I get frustrated, and I yell & I hate that about myself. I’m only human though.

My best day was when I got you. I yell at you because I’m frustrated with myself. It’s not you.  Not my finest moments but I’m only human. I get mad when you roll out of bed at 8 am when you didn’t go to sleep until 1 am the night before. I mumble under my breath. I take a deep breath and a loud sigh that I know you feel my aggravation, but sweetheart it’s not you. It’s me. I get up and need at least 20 minutes to get woke up before I want to move off the couch but you are ready to go as soon as them brown eyes open and you say “mornin mommy” then I kiss you and tell you the same. But it wasn’t until this morning I seen the fear in your eyes when I said “did you pee in the bed?!” Your eyes filled up with tears, waiting for me to scream and ask you “WHY!?” How dare me right? How dare I ask you that question when I should be waking you up, teaching you how to not do them things, because that’s my job? It’s not you hunny, it’s me.

I tell you not to yell or make that annoying squeal that you do when you’re aggravated with me or your father. But I yell when I’m aggravated to. But I’m working on it, I promise. I cry when I get angry an wish and hope and pray for 5 minutes of silence. You laugh when you think something’s silly and sometimes and I don’t smile. Not because I don’t think it’s not funny or because I don’t love you but because today I don’t love myself.  I don’t yell at you, I yell at the world, I yell at every person that aggravates me that day. How dare I right? How dare I take it out on the little boy that loves me more than life? It’s not you hunny, it’s me.

Right now, you are currently taking your “blue bike” & running it into my Christmas tree trying your best to knock it over and I’m trying to ignore it. The little green pieces from the tree are slowly falling into the clean floor I just swept, but you are human to. You are a toddler who is going to make messes and I’m a mom who is always going to walk behind you and pick everything up. I’ll mess up an yell because of the pile of overloaded things I have to do but it’s not you hunny, it’s me.

As you go through life, you will see my weakest hour, weakest month., weakest moment. You will see me cry, you will see me fall. You will see me get aggravated at your dad. You will see my problems through my actions. You will see silence. You will see arguments. You will see doors slammed because I get hurt. But will you remember this one thing? It has never been because of you. It’s because of me. It’s because life isn’t easy. But I promise you I will shelter you from every fight that I can..

You will see me laugh. You will see me smile. You will see me act like a child. You will see me jump on the trampoline. You will see me try to ride your bike. You will see me chase you through the house, and play hide and seek. You will see me give into the that cute smile when you want a toy from “malmart” You will see how many times you get your way by saying “pitty please” you will see me hug your father and see how much we love each other. You will see us stay strong through the bad times. You will see us succeed as a family and that my son that’s one thing that’s all because of YOU.

With love,

 your mommy.